For the past week I’ve been trying to process all of these emotions that my body has been trying to feel. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings that I most definitely wasn’t prepared for.
On Thursday, May 8 I was out with some friends… having a blast. Laughing, smiling, enjoying the fact that I am now a college graduate and on my way to bigger and better things in Arizona. My world was as perfect as it possibly could be.
Then my phone rang.
It was my best friend of 14 years. I remember being excited that she was calling.
“Caroline, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something”
“One second, Lena, I can’t hear you”
I walked outside and listened to what she had to say. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach. I hung up the phone and vomited. You see, the world wasn’t so perfect anymore… her beautiful sister took her life that night. This beautiful girl that I had known for so long and who brought smiles to so many other people.. just.. gone.
I went back inside to the people I was with and said that I needed to go home. As we walked back to their apartment, my amazing friends from school drove 40 minutes to bring myself and my car back to their place for the night so that I could sleep and leave to go home in the morning. I ended up not sleeping.. but I calmed down enough in the morning to drive the 3 hour trek home to Lena.
This was the longest week of my life.
I could go into all of the crazy details of the events of the past week… but that’s not going to be good for anyone.
That being said, I do have a story to tell. This means a lot to me, and I know it would mean a lot to Kayla. (Rest in Peace, babygirl)
As I mentioned… Kayla took her life. She truly was so incredibly beautiful and I really wish she would have known that. There were many factors and demons that Kayla had been facing in her life for quite some time. However, it would appear that the last straw dealt with a lot of different bullying that was happening at school. I remember being her age and walking down the halls and feeling so judged. I think we all did.
I remember having self-image issues.. some days I still struggle with that.
Especially as a female, we struggle with this perfect image that we’re supposed to fit into. This image defines so many of us.. based on how different we are from being the perfect, beautiful girl that society tells us we have to be.
It’s so frustrating to think about. The whole situation. That the world can tell us how we are supposed to be. And how we are supposed to feel/act when we don’t hit the mark. It’s bullshit. Kayla would want her story to be shared.
We need to be nicer to each other. We need to be nicer to ourselves. We need to come together and spread love.
When I talk about vocations at retreats or in discussions… I always talk about the fact that we all have the same vocation…
We are called to love. No matter what. In every situation we find ourselves in… our main purpose is to LOVE.
This week ended with a candlelight vigil tonight. It was perfect.
To see so many people coming together. For this. That is beautiful. I hate that it took such a tragic event for people to speak up and to care and to listen… but I just keep thinking that this is not the end. Not even for Kayla. This is the beginning of something so incredibly beautiful. Her legacy will live on.
Rest in peace, babygirl. We love you so much.